So, now it's Murphy - 1 and me - 1, if we're keeping score. When it comes to this illness, I guess it's a good thing that there's a score to keep, right?
I share this with you, with the whole wide world, on this blog because 1.) it fits the name of the blog (whoda thought I'd be foreseeing the future when I started it so many years ago?) and 2.) I need to write it out, get it out of my system to keep my shit together about it all. It seems that might not be such a popular thing to do as Robert Kessler has found out by blogging his experiences with stage IV non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. It's good to see that he's gained a few points up on Murphy, despite what naysayers might say about sharing his experiences with the cancer. Heh.
The image above is of a CT scan. It's not my particular scan, just one I found on the Internet that shows a few of the things that I have going on inside my guts. To give you an anchor, those bright white, oval shaped things around the outside of the scan are ribs. The not as dense white blob on the left is showing fluid, and the blob next to that falling on the right side is a soft tissue mass. Now, I could be wrong, but let's just say that I'm not so that you get an idea of what I was looking at when I saw my scan results on the computer screen on Thursday.
I have the fluid build-up, a large amount of fluid collecting on the front of me so that I look like I'm about 8 months pregnant. The soft tissue growth is growing from the head of the pancreas and wrapping itself in and out of everything in its path. It is now playing around with my small and large intestines. Still, no absolute sign of cancer, though there are now, suddenly, suspect spots on my lungs. So, the next steps in the plan is draining that fluid off and taking a biopsy of one of the lung spots. (No, I wouldn't be surprised if I had lung cancer - I've smoked most of my life and yes, I've started smoking electronic cigarettes as a first step in quitting.)
I don't know what to think or feel at this stage. Nothing is for sure yet. There was quite a delay in seeing the doctor, so by the time Tim and I left the hospital, it was dark. Driving in the dark is not one of my favorite things to do, so I was a bundle of nerves when, almost to my home exit, the car lost power. It gave me a chance to get off the highway on well over on the shoulder, and when other cars passed by, I could see why: The car had overheated and steam was billowing out from under the hood like a tsunami. I had the car towed home Friday and looked at today. So far, it looks like I didn't blow the engine, though I have no idea how extensive the problem is. No big deal, but Murphy won this round. No doubt about it.
It's my fault. I take full responsibility. I forgot to dedicate the day's outing to helping someone that needed it. Go ahead and enjoy, ol' Murphy. If I'm smart, I won't make that mistake again. Heh.
Murphy's Law: If something can go wrong, it will. That's been my luck in both small and big things; inconsequential and monstrously important. For the majority of my life, Murphy and I have been close. It's been the norm, and I was used to it. I adopted a positive attitude anyway. I might as well. I can't dance, but I sure made the music along the way.
But somehow, someway, that all changed in the past year or so. I don't know how or why, but no matter what I do, even if I engage in my usual self-sabotaging behaviors, things have worked out anyway. It's so bizarre to have things work out, and work out better than I could hope for, and even though there's no way that they should work out.