Do To, Done To vs Do With

Girl talk. Oh, if men only knew how deep girl talk gets at times! Guys, you are tried and sentenced before we even meet you. That's what keeps us sane. Sure, you could argue against stereotyping and generalizations; but hey, you do it too, don't you?

Yeah, we talked about 'doing to' and 'doing for' and being 'done to' and 'done for.' It misses the mark. The whole thing gets sidetracked from the get-go and soars away from the important part: doing with.

Now, I don't mind 'doing to' when it comes to my horse. I'll go ahead and brush him every day, which he enjoys quite a bit. I'll give him a good itch when he asks. That he learned to ask instead of demand is worth the reward. Besides, he looks darned good when he's all brushed out and clean and shiny. I don't mind 'doing for' him either. That's the way it is with people who love horses (or any other animal) and take their responsibility for them seriously.

The same can be said for parents. They do whatever is necessary for their children, no matter what. There's no choice in the matter. You just do what it takes to love, care for and provide for your kids. You keep them safe, you teach them about the world and you give them the responsibility of freedom when it's all said and done.

But, that's where it stops. There is a definite line after guardianship of children and animals or anything else that might depend on us for survival.

That lopsidedness has no place in any other kind of relationship.

If a friend is doing all the doing to and the doing for (making you the done to), then what kind of friend are you? A taker. Just a taker. The friendship is not a true one, and won't last long. Sooner or later, the well of giving runs dry.

It's more obvious in love relationships. Friends go home, but lovers don't.

And, a paycheck isn't enough reward for the huge chunk of life spent working. If someone works for someone, it won't be long before they decide to go ahead and work for someone else.

To be a giver or a taker means that there is an gap in the ability to form a real relationship. The key is to do with. Work with. Be with. Live with. Play with. Love with. That key unlocks the door of aloneness.

Go find your key.


  1. Like your style and your thoughts

  2. Thank you, Patricia! I'm glad you stopped by and sure hope you come back to share your thoughts.

  3. Your post reminded me of the most beautiful words a rugby player can hear when running with the ball straight into the opposition. Those words are "with you". In rugby this is important because everyone on your team must be behind you and the ball can only be advanced by lateral to a teammate. If no one is with you, well you eventually get tackled and the play dies.

    Kind of like life right? When someone is with us they are present in body, mind and spirit. You're right that's the only way to be in a relationship.

  4. Hi Tom!

    I don't know anything about rugby, but what you say and how you explain it, it makes perfect sense.

    Another example is playing in a band. If everyone is just playing the notes perfectly, it just doesn't quite come together. When everyone starts listening to each other, then it all comes together to be much more than the sum of its parts.

    Yeah, I'd say it's like life...