I'm Protecting My Job!

Photo: I Can Has Cheezburger

It's always made me wonder how it is that people on TV or in the movies never seem to have to relieve themselves. For a whole TV season, which is supposed to be a complete 24 hour day, Jack Bauer is never seen going in or coming out of a bathroom. There is no way that I could hold it for a complete 24 hours, no matter what the situation was! I mean, can people really go a whole day without visiting the little boys or girls room?

Perhaps I shouldn't say this, but when I'm at home, I don't always wash my hands after using the bathroom. I'll wash my hands before I handle any food, but if I washed my hands after every trip to pee, I would be classified as obsessive/compulsive since I pee a lot. Trust me, if there happens to be any hint of ...excrement... on my hands at all, they get washed. I mean, come on! I've had a lot of years of practice at this little ritual, and I do my best to avoid any sort of contamination! No pun intended, but I am anal about it. Heh.

What's got me going is that there is this sign on the employee restroom wall at my new job that goes above and beyond any I've ever seen posted on a restaurant bathroom wall. This one says something along the lines of "wash your hands to protect your job." Well, ok; I've been duly warned and that's just what I do. I wash my hands after every trip to protect my job. I don't quite understand how the two are related, but since this is a new job, I'll do what I have to do to protect it.

But, it's making me a bit ...nervous. I started taking quick glances around that little employee bathroom to see if I can spot any cameras that might be recording my hygiene habits. I don't do it in an obvious way. I don't want them to know I know! One time I tilted my head to the side and up while pulling up my pants to glance into the one corner over the toilet. I glanced fast and didn't get a good enough look to be satisfied that there wasn't a camera there. Another time, I leaned my head back quick, then gave a fast cough to look up into the corner over the sink. I'll have to come up with another way to check out that corner too because I didn't see well enough to be sure it was free of a camera.

Is Big Brother watching? I won't know for sure for awhile. Until then, I'll have to drown in hand lotion just to keep my skin from falling off with all this hand washing going on. I take that hand washing thing seriously too, just to protect my job. Up go my sleeves, I get a good handful of that disgusting pink soap, then I proceed to scrub like I was prepping for a surgical procedure. I scrub and scrub for a good 3 minutes, then rinse. I don't touch anything between the sink and the towel dispenser, holding my hands way up and away from myself all the time. Hey, I watch enough doctor shows on TV to know how to do this hand washing thing right, and dang it, I deserve a raise for doing it right!

You know, I'm more worried about Big Brother recording my hand washing technique than I am about someone witnessing my fat ass perching on the porcelain throne. If they record sound too, um, there are times when I put out quite a musical symphony. At least they'd be entertained, but who would have to watch those tapes? I hope the poor boy at least is treated to stereo sound to get the full symphonic effect! But seriously, all this just to catch me doing something that isn't protecting my job?

I declare, what I do in the bathroom is my own business! I'm protecting my job by going to the bathroom! Trust me, I am! I think I'll start saying that out loud every time I go in there.