Crawling Out of the Woodwork

Hello. My name is Theresa, and I’m terrified of bees.

There. I said it. It’s out in the open now. I’ve admitted it. Step 1 is done.

Why am I thinking about bees now – in January? Because I was chased by a bee yesterday, that’s why. That danged thing had me running in circles trying to get away from it.

Put me and a bee in the same location and it means that my fight/flight response is all flight. There’s no thinking, no time for my brain to register that it’s just a little insect. No, I am out of there. No ifs, ands or buts about it. The whoosh of a breeze left in my wake overflows with expletives and four-letter words that would curl your hair. It’s like Tourette’s Syndrome with its own flair.

Come to think of it, I don’t much care for any insect; except a butterfly. I’m a sucker for beautiful things. But, all the rest of the insects can disappear and I would be happy. Let flowers come up with another way to pollinate, ok? Let frogs, birds and bats dine on something else, ok?

Not only was I chased by a bee yesterday, I came home to find ants on my kitchen counter. I was infuriated! How dare those pesky insects come into my kitchen and creepy-crawl around on my counters!

These insects ruined it. The weather is warm again and life is good, and along comes insects out of the woodwork to ruin it. It wouldn’t be bad if this little winter tryst of theirs meant that the summer populations were greatly reduced, but we all know that won’t be the case. They multiply by the millions, mutate, grow fangs and stingers and live to aggravate all warm-blooded creatures.

So, the next step is to come clean and ask for forgiveness, right? Sorry, you dastardly ant and your sister, brother, aunt and uncle and mother and father for wiping you off the face of the earth with a single swipe of my hand. Sorry, bee, for not allowing you to sink your teeth into me yesterday. At least you got away alive. The ants weren’t so lucky.

Next step, come up with an alternate way of dealing with things. OK. Take my advice, you bugs: Find another house to crawl around, find another person to buzz around or you’ll all be annihilated pronto. Same goes to the flies that haven’t appeared yet but can’t be far behind. Get gone and stay gone.

Ah, the healing process is complete. Those bugs are crawling back into woodwork as we speak and all’s well that ends well.

I feel better now.