Smarts in a bottle?

smartwater-bottle-newlabelI guess if you dress anything up with a young, nubile, pretty girl - a naked pretty girl - it will sell like hotcakes, right? I can almost forgive the underlying nuances of such an advertising tactic considering how hot and thirsty I was when I bought a quart bottle of this smartwater stuff. And while I reached for the bottle in the store’s cooler, men weren’t knocking me down to get at that beautiful model hidden in each bottle, nor were there women gnashing past me to get the stuff that makes that beautiful model beautiful. I was safe. I was thirsty. I managed to satisfy that thirst and live through it.

Then, I fell into a guilt trip. That purchase was not exactly a “green” thing to do. To be honest, it was the bottle that got me. Very tall, slim and crystal clear. And who couldn’t use some bottled smarts? I popped the cap, tipped it up and drained that bottle in two gulps.

That bottle ain’t just an average single-serving bottle of beverage. It’s made with a heavier, sturdier plastic that your usual, run-of-the-mill soda bottle. It doesn’t collapse in your hand when you suck hard on it. As cool looking as it is, I figure there has to be a few more rounds of usefulness to it. No sense in wasting a perfectly cool bottle, is there?

Oh, the advertising tactics are amazing. It says it’s “vapor distilled,” like what happens to water falling from clouds. It’s in its purest form, the bottle says. Um, haven’t you noticed the pollution in said clouds and atmosphere? What exactly is vapor distillation? Is there really even such a thing? I want to see it.

And, it’s not “pure” water. Why bother doing this special, unheard of purification process if you’re just going to turn around and add electrolytes? Aren’t those the things added to Pedialyte for dehydrated babies or the things you give a horse after a long trailer ride? No. These electrolytes are added to smartwater “for taste.” Taste? Isn’t water supposed to be tasteless?

I’m confused, and frankly, I don’t care. I gulped down that bottle of vapor distilled, electrolytes added for taste water so fast that all that just never crossed my mind. And, to assuage my guilt trip for buying water in a bottle, I filled that bottle back up and popped it in the freezer when I got home. Hey, that heavier, sturdier plastic bottle came in handy after all.

Bottled water. Jeesh. Water that sits around gets old and rank, and that’s when water has a taste. Yuck. But hey, the bottle is cool.

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