Listening Beyond Hearing

Two or three weeks ago, something happened (I don't remember what) that left me feeling unheard, and I know I didn't hear much either. Listening wasn't happening at all. So, I dug through all my psychology books on counseling, theory, ways to help, and I found bits and pieces here and there. This is what I found, in summary. Why is it important?

Well, on the surface, that is an easy question to answer. We all talk. And talk, and talk. Sometimes, we actually have conversations, and other times, whatever we say falls on deaf ears. On a deeper level, what results from being unheard or misunderstood are feelings of devaluation, our self-esteem and confidence fall, we lose trust, and while we're licking our wounds, we are also then guilty of not listening.

A good conversation with listening is priceless. Heard, you feel valued, empowered, confident, and able to see new possibilities and potential. How far does the imagination have to stretch to envision a life where you listen and are listened to?

Listening is a skill. It is something that can be learned. And, as you go around listening to others, they start listening back. It spreads! You'll also find you do a good bit of the "do" list and not so much of the "don't" list already. A little bit of focus and monitoring and listening will become natural.


Blocks to Listening (Don't)

First is a list of 12 blocks to listening. Try to honestly think about these to see which ones you've used before. They are pretty natural to fall into, and just a little awareness goes a long way in keeping them in check. (I've done a bit of mind reading and placating myself.)

Comparing - While the person is speaking, you're trying to figure out which of you is better, has more or does less in any way imaginable.

Mind Reading - Assuming you already know what the person is going to say while ignoring him/her and without bothering to ask questions to confirm your belief.

Rehearsing - No way to hear when you are practicing your next lines in your head.

Filtering - The only thing you're going to hear is what you want to hear, nothing else.

Judging - You've already determined that the person speaking has no value for you, so you don't bother to pay attention to what he/she says.

Dreaming - Something half heard sends you off into your own little world to think about a similar aspect in your own life.

Identifying - As someone shares an experience, you relate it back to your own life.

Advising - Before someone can explain, you are offering advice. You completely miss the point, the feelings and the scope, and leave the person feeling misunderstood.

Sparring - You listen, but only for something to disagree with, argue over or debate.

Being Right - You will rationalize, make excuses, shout or accuse the speaker of anything you can think of just to avoid being wrong.

Derailing - Bored or uncomfortable about what is said, you change the subject.

Placating - No matter what is said, you agree. You listen just enough to catch the places where you can agree.


Effective Listening (Do)

Now, here is a short list of tips to effective or empathic listening. You probably already do a lot of these, especially when the person and the conversation are particularly interesting to you. See if you can 'catch' yourself using any of these. Then, see if you can use them at will.

Acknowledge the speaker by being attentive, genuinely interested, alert and positive. Be in the moment and focused.

Show you are listening with "uh-huh", nod your head, lean forward in a relaxed way, make frequent eye contact, and invite more to explore with open-ended questions.

Be a sounding board and a mirror by restating what is said in your own words. Let the speaker dominate the conversation.

Reflect back what you understand and how you think the speaker feels. Listen for the person's positive intention or "hope" to respond to and support.

Wishbone Lore

On Christmas Day, my son Tim and I celebrated with a turkey dinner. I'm one of those AYOR cooks - eat what I cook At Your Own Risk - and this dinner was a prime example. The turkey was a shriveled, overcooked, sorry looking thing that tasted great! However, there were no drippings for the gravy, but even so, it was OK for watery stuff. We celebrated especially because it was the first time my mashed potatoes didn't come out like soup. We were stuffed!

Later, I found the turkey wishbone in what was left. Tim grabbed onto one arm of the small bone, I hung onto the other. We both closed our eyes to make our wishes, and Tim pulled. He pulled hard. We both looked at the pieces left in our hands, and both were of equal length! The top had broken off both halves and went flying (I found the tip today, which reminded me to write about it) somewhere. Both of us, eyes wide, looked at each other and said, "Uh oh!"

I wonder what it means? Do you know?

What's in a Name?

The name of this blog was "Sharing the Knowledge". This is that name's obituary...

We do not teach;
We share the knowledge.
-- RHH

These are the words that shaped my teaching style as an instructor, and I even called the site I made for my students "Share the Knowledge". In that context, I felt the name was appropriate and that what was there was accepted as knowledge.

But, for this blog, it just felt too ...stodgy... if that's the right word. What is knowledge for me may not be for you, and it sure got to feeling like a slammed door more than anything else. That slammed door kept you and I farther apart than I wanted. Besides, it was downright conceited!

As obvious as it was to me that the old name had to go, it took quite a bit of mulling to come up with a name that truly captured the who-what-where-when-how of writing for a presumably public audience. I figure that if you are witness to my life lessons, then they are real, which is why I created this blog. What I learn is then written in stone, so to speak, and openly worn on my shirt sleeve. That will keep me honest! Oh, I came up with some doozies for names: GistJoist, SpringStream, KindSense and Odd Street, to list just a few. These weird (brain farts) names are cool in their own way, but just not quite the "it" I was looking for.

This morning, before taking more than a few sips out of my first cup of coffee of the day, it hit me. Bumpy Path! Oh yes, this is it. This is the one. What a relief! It sure does seem to fit a lot better. What I hope is that you can read this blog and maybe save yourself from going over some of the same bumps that I did. Nothing more, nothing less.

What's in a name? All of it. Out with the old, in with the new...

What do you think?

Be the Journey

"There are about three moments in every second."

I remember reading that somewhere and thinking that it couldn't be possible since a second is such a very small chunk of time. There's no doubt that my initial reaction missed the point entirely. Perhaps this is an abstract, not a logical concept; and one of the reasons it is so difficult to grasp is that we are so programmed to be linear thinkers. Perhaps we no longer perceive the power of thought because we are unable to grasp the moments we are not thinking. It's like appreciating the good times because you've experienced the not so good times. But, it's another piece of the puzzle of balance and it's important to grasp the concept of "in the moment".

You will find a mountain of information about "in the moment". Being in the moment, living in the moment, lost in the moment… Google the term "in the moment" and you will get more hits than you'd ever be able to sift through in a lifetime, from Oprah and Dr. Phil to meditation and Zen. You'll find "in the moment" in relaxation techniques, counseling skills, becoming peaceful, becoming centered and empathically listening, to name just a few.

In this moment, in this instant, your past is behind you and set in stone. In front of you is your future, filled with possibilities and potential, and very much unknown. You could spend this moment wishing you could take back hurtful words, undo what can't be undone, take advantage of a missed opportunity, actually say something to your high school crush, etc. You could spend this moment worrying about what will happen or won't happen, bills to be paid, things to be done, places to go, people to see, etc.

Or, you could grasp the moment and experience the here and now. Instead of looking back on a faint memory of what you missed, you can stop bemoaning the past and worrying about the future. You can experience and live the beauty, the awareness, the peace, the goodness, and the wonder of nature. You find that you are content, energized and excited. You experience joy. Oh yes, it's risky. You have to let go and reach out and explore.

The good news is that you've probably already experienced living in the moment! Have you ever been driving down the road and suddenly snapped to and realized you had no idea how you got there? In that moment you snapped to awareness, startled into the moment, you had no choice but to look around and be right where you were to figure out just where, exactly, that was. It's like being yanked out of your life and set back in it again and it takes everything you've got to get your bearings.

There are other ways that you can hook onto this thing of living in the moment. Once you identify the moments, it becomes easier and easier to enjoy more and more. Here's a few that grab me every time:

Watch a child at play. Totally in the moment, the child will go down and climb up the slide over and over until something else catches the attention, and then it's the swing or the monkey bars or the sand box. This continues until Mother Nature calls with hunger or thirst pains. The child is just as happy to be in the moment with you or other children of any age too.

Watch animals. Though the animal knows when it's time to eat and where the food dish is, and has a pretty good idea that you'll be leaving based on what shoes you have on, the rest of the time, its doing exactly what nature intended: being in the moment. A cat will stalk a bird with great patience until the bird flies away or something else catches its eye. A dog will plop down and go into an immediate deep sleep then jump to full awareness if he hears a car door slam. A horse will fall asleep standing up with both eyes open and both ears going like radar, and deeply sigh with contentment as he is being brushed.

Listen to music. I mean really good music. The kind of music that you crank up way loud and gives you no choice but to sing and dance along. This kind of music gives you the feeling that it will never end, you hope it never ends, and when it does end, it leaves you peaceful and full.

Get outside. Enjoy nature. All of it. Watch a sunrise and a sunset. Go out in the middle of the night and look up at the stars. Sit in the grass and feel the sun, the breeze, smell the scents on the air, feel the blades of grass. Watch the grass grow.

Be creative. Lose yourself doing. Work in your garden, do a watercolor painting, build a birdhouse or a house, rearrange your living room, wash and wax the car… Just do.

Ah, now this is living!

(The other day, at the same time that the sun was setting behind me, in front of me was this incredible moonrise. Once I pried my chin off my chest, I snapped this photo with my cell phone. Surprisingly, it caught the colors true. It was one of those moments for me.)

Balance II

No use crying over spilled milk!

How many times have you heard that one? Actually, the question should be, "how many times have you spilled milk?" Perhaps you felt a twinge of guilt and glanced sheepishly around to see if anyone saw. It may have taken a bit to go from feeling to thinking to grab a paper towel or two to wipe up the spill.

Let me paint a picture here so that we can eavesdrop on "self talk" to trace that process a little more.

Imagine a woman who just spent hours doing what women do to get ready for a fancy, important party, and she looks good. She decides that, since she has a few minutes to spare, she can quickly whip up a special frosting for the cake she baked to bring instead of using the stuff in a can. She starts rummaging through her cupboards and soon discovers that there is no can of frosting, but all the dry ingredients for her special frosting is there. All that's needed is a half cup of milk. She opens the refrigerator door and sees that there is less than a half inch of milk left in the plastic gallon milk jug, just enough. She grabs it, flings around in haste, the milk jug snags the closing refrigerator door and falls to the floor. The top pops off, the jug bounces up in a somersault, and what's left of the milk goes everywhere, including on shoes, dress, hair....

Oh no oh no oh NO! She is frozen in place, eyes wide in disbelief and one hand over her mouth. The seconds tick, tick and then yes, a tear wells up.

Shit! This is not happening! She draws in a deep breath, her eyes narrow and her hands are clenched fists against her thighs. She stomps a foot once, then again and again.

My cake! My dress, my shoes, my hair! The foot that was stomping now serves a good kick to the offending refrigerator door. The pain is immediate, and this time, what's in her mind is said out loud:

"Dammit!" She hops on one foot over to a kitchen chair to melt into it, elbos on knees, head in hands.

*****

Thirty minutes later, ten fashionably late minutes past on time, we see our girl arrive at the party looking good (though slightly limping) and toting a fully frosted cake.

Feeling to thinking. How did she do it?

Out of the Blue

I don't pay attention to 'entertainment' news. What for? But today, Time's RSS feed includes this headline: Germany's Battle Against Scientology. Imagine my surprise! My last post was purely personal and I just happened to stumble on information that prompted that 'fantastic flight of fancy'. This article says:

(The judge ruled, among other things, that the group brainwashes members.) Says Sweden, "For the first time we had a judge, and not just rumors, stating that the group was dangerous." (Since 1995, the Church of Scientology has not enjoyed the legal protections accorded to religions in Germany, after a judge ruled that it was not a religion but a group "masquerading as a religion in order to make a profit.")

Perhaps I should look into filing suit against the Church of Scientology after all.